Marshall Yard:

Over the next two weekends, my wife and I are invited to 6 Christmas parties. 3 of the 6 have been hilariously, and uniquely, entitled ”Ugly Sweater” Christmas Parties. Somehow we’re trying to go to 4/6ths of them. I am not in charge of the scheduling or logistics, but I am required to make pleasant conversation.

Pleasant conversation is challenging when people want to talk about work. These rare souls, who find that a full time job is not actually full enough, would like you to take everything that you left at the office, and dump it out onto their living room floor. Once my old college roommate gets finished unleashing a liter of bile onto his wife’s brand new wood laminate floor (it looks like real hardwood! ), it will be my turn.

It’s kind of a macho thing - talking about what we do on our telephones and laptops. He travels all over the world, to extravagent places like Minnesota, Iowa, even Ohio, once. And the girls just swoon over his ability to hock insurance policies that noone understands. And what do I get to boast about?

Trade Shows. That’s right, everybody in the general public, especially your school teachers, your nurses, your accountants  - they LOVE to hear about trade shows. In fact, most people know EXACTLY what I do.

Trade shows are, according to most conversational participants, a combination of car shows, baseball card expos, and homegoods bazaars. And the complexity and nuance of my work is, as one would expect, slightly shy of my insurance God friend.

He may get the glory, but I still get the girls. Car shows are AWSOME.

Regardless, I need to find myself a new sweater.

One last note: None of the people at these sweater parties were over the age of 12 during the era of ugly sweaters, circa 1978-1992. What gives? Why is this such a popular theme? I have to buy a sweater, and then tack it up?